Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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