I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
