1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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