i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
