dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
