didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
well you can't waste a boner
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
