just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
