and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
