he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
