I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
