Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
