He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
