He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
