I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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