My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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