What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
