but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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