I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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