you turned your livingroom into a bong?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
