working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize