My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
