I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
