I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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