My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
