look no pants
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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