I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize