.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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