I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
