1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
