i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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