the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
