he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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