I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Randomize
