My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
