I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
