Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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