why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
