My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
