Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
