You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
