Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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