my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
