if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
