if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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