life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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