I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
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I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
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I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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