Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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