also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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