i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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