Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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