bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
