There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
These tits shall not be calmed
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