Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
