Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
