you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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