I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
