sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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