So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
