you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
