o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
