If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.