Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina