easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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