i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
