And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
