But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
