Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
