Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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