My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
